To Choose To Love

To choose to love someone other than yourself is to accept that they are going to leave. To choose to love someone else is to accept the inevitability of death. To choose to love someone else is to accept them with all their traits, weird or not, good or not.

My reader, I have come to realize that these days, people are not genuinely open to loving somebody else wholly. And do not think it is because of society, friends, or all those things we like to blame. I think it is deeper than this. Hear me: when two people are together, it is meant to be them against the obstacles they meet along the way. It is supposed to be them against the not-so-good-wishers, the difficulties, the misunderstandings and the inevitable challenges that come with sharing a life with another person. It is supposed to be two people making decisions about their union together.

But is this how things actually go?

Tell me what you think.

See, there is a handful of people who give “their all” to their other half, hoping to ensure they do not part ways sooner. But the question is: is “their all” truly their partner’s all? Is it possible to give someone everything while still keeping parts of yourself safely hidden? One thing about the current world when it comes to romantic relationships is that most people are scared to be vulnerable and are not curious enough about the person they have chosen to love.

VULNERABILITY

Vulnerability is rare.

And when I say people are afraid to be vulnerable, I am not advocating for recklessness. In the context of romantic bonds, I am talking about emotional vulnerability. Tell me, how is it that you want to be with your partner until death separates you, yet you cannot tell them, in absolute truth, how their actions made you feel?

And no, it isn't only about addressing challenges. It is larger than this.

To be vulnerable with your partner is to openly tell them how you feel about them without omitting the difficult things. To be wholly vulnerable with your other is to say out loud how good or bad you feel about a situation you are both facing for the first time. It is being able to say, “This hurt me,” or “This made me happy,” or even, “I am afraid,” without immediately putting up a wall.

I think emotional vulnerability becomes quite difficult for us because of fear. Fear of rejection. Fear that someone will judge us or leave us if they see our flaws. To others, it is past pain. So you rush to protect yourself because you were hurt before, or because somewhere along the way, you were taught to hide your feelings. But hear me, my kind reader: I think it is better to show your true self than to hide behind a wall. Those who understand and resonate with your truth will appreciate you for who you are. Those who cannot meet your honesty with understanding may simply not have the capacity, or willingness, to meet you where you are.

After all, authenticity is a risk worth taking.

NOW, LET'S TALK ABOUT CURIOSITY

This is even more intriguing.

I usually see couples being questioned, a couple who have been together for four years, yet neither of them knows what the other person's long-term goals or dreams are. Neither of them knows their partner's favourite way to receive love. Not even their partner's biggest achievement.

So what do you know?
The name?
The age?
The things that benefit you?

See, to be curious is to go beyond the layer that the naked eye can see.

Sure, you could see when your significant other is full of joy or when they are incredibly sad. But here it is: can you see their thought process? Can you see what things they are carrying in their heart day after day?

My darling reader, to be curious about your partner is to ask the things that make them who they are. What are their worst experiences in life? Why do they do things the way they do? What are the scars that they carry? What is it about themselves that they think is unlovable? Why do they raise their voice at the slightest inconvenience? What is it that pushes them to act numb or seemingly indifferent to emotions? What simple things make them happy? What is it that they love or hate about life? Their childhood. Their journey through life. Their biggest fear. Their greatest strength. Their greatest regret. You should have the curiosity to get to know them as well as you know your own name.

And not once. Not as a task that you complete after three years of dating or four years of marriage. But constantly. Each and every moment. Because regardless of how many years you spend together, human beings are ever-changing. We are constantly being rebirthed into other versions of ourselves.

The person you fell in love with five years ago may still be sitting beside you, but they have lived five more years since you met them. They have experienced things you may not know about. They have grown. They have lost. They have learned. They have changed. And so have you.

Perhaps that is why curiosity matters so much in love. You do not simply get to know someone once and then declare that you know them.

You keep asking.

You keep listening.

You keep discovering.

You keep allowing them to reveal the parts of themselves that may have been hidden for many, many years. Those questions slowly peel off the protective veil that people wear for so long. And perhaps, underneath all of it, is a person who simply wants to be seen, understood and loved without having to constantly explain why they are the way they are.

Do you see where I'm getting at? I believe this does not need anything more added.

SO, WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO LOVE?

Perhaps choosing to love someone is not simply choosing the beautiful moments. It is choosing to know them while accepting that they will continue to change. It is choosing to be vulnerable even when there is a possibility of rejection. It is choosing curiosity even after you think you already know everything there is to know.

Because if we already know that one day we will lose each other: through death, circumstance, distance or simply the changing directions of life, then perhaps the greatest tragedy isn't loving someone and losing them. Perhaps it is having someone beside you and never really knowing them.

So, my gentle reader, what do you think about modern dating and courtship? Do we still allow ourselves to love wholly? Are we willing to be vulnerable enough to be truly known? Are we curious enough to truly know the people we say we love?

Feel free to express your opinion and speak your mind. I highly value your feedback on this.

After all, you choose.

And so do I